


Wish I Were Here

by PitifullyPolly



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bipolar Disorder, Delusions, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It's technically Gabe from N2N but as their kid, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 15:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16813099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PitifullyPolly/pseuds/PitifullyPolly
Summary: "Phil pays attention. He notices the way Dan's brow creases as his thoughts swirl endlessly in his mind. He notices the lack of expression in his face, void of any real emotion. He knows he's fallen again. He's lost him, again."





	Wish I Were Here

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first ever fanfiction so I'm sorry if it sucks >.<
> 
> Pretty much a Next to Normal AU with Dan as Diana Goodman and Phil as Dan Goodman (I find this irony in the fact that in the musical the husband's name is Dan)

Dan doesn't hear it anymore.

He doesn't hear the whirring of the dishwasher or the refrigerator hum. Instead, he hears the light ringing resonating in his ears and the voice speaking to him at the kitchen table. He barely pays attention to it though. It's hard to pay attention to anything these days.

Phil pays attention. He notices the way Dan's brow creases as his thoughts swirl endlessly in his mind. He notices the lack of expression in his face, void of any real emotion. He knows he's fallen again. He's lost him, again.

The real question is why did it happen? They'd been doing so well. They'd been fine for so long. Why now?

“Dan? Did you hear what I said?” That's a rhetorical question. Phil knows he didn't hear it.

“What?” The brunette asks calmly, ignoring the usual feeling of being watched that he'd grown accustomed to.

“I asked you if I need to call Doctor Madden. The medication doesn't seem to be working anymore-”

“It's working fine, Phil. There's no reason to call him.”

Clearly, he doesn't remember. It isn't anything new. After years of treatment methods and medication after medication, pill bottle after pill bottle, Phil knows full well that his husband doesn't remember his episodes.

“Not, it's not working fine. Not if you're still seeing-”

Dan stands up from the table, watching Phil push off the wall and stand straight and shivering when the feeling of someone behind him ceases. “Is it bad to just let him be a kid? Stop trying to take him from me!”

“I know you're hurting. I am too. But...you need to learn to let go.”

Before Dan can respond, a hand is placed on his shoulder and wide eyes meet his own.

“Don't listen to him. He doesn't get it.”

Phil sighs as the brunette appears to zone out yet again. Conversations often go unfinished, but this is not one that he can just let go. This, all of this, needed closure. Finality. A word that's lost all comprehension.

“You don't know. You don't. You don't get how it feels to die alive. I know you don't know. You tell me to let go and that just makes me want to scream. You say you're hurting but I sure as hell can't see it!”

Phil stays silent to let Dan get his emotions out. He know interrupting will only hurt worse, and harsh expressions were far better than neutral, colorless looks. “Can you tell me what it is you're so scared of? Is it me?”

“It's me.”

Dan shakes his head, dismissing both accusations in an instant. “I can't…” He stops there, and suddenly he's back in his chair, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. “I can't let him go.”

That's what breaks Phil, and he takes the necessary steps forward to wrap his arms around the man. He's shaking, a common occurrence, but the quiet crying is new.

“Wh...Why can't you see him like I can?”

“Because you're different, love.” He knows better than to say “hallucinating” or “manic” or “delusional” in front of him. After all the time it took to get where they are now, he knows what he can and can't say.

“Hey Dad, it's me.”

Dan glances over at the boy standing beside them, and his tears lessen ever so slightly. “Why did we lose him, Phil?” he asks, not taking his eyes off the teenager who resembled a younger version of his husband. The boy, trying so hard to get Phil's attention.

“Nobody has the answer for that. We can't keep trying to find one.”

Phil never had the time to hurt. He needed to care for Dan, who had taken it so hard that Phil had almost lost him too. He didn't get the chance to grieve, so he just ignored it. Forgot him as best he could.

This made Dan think that Phil didn't care. How could he be so okay after something so terrible had happened?

“I just...he was so small…”

“I know love, I know,” Phil whispers comfortingly, hesitating a moment before taking the other's hand in his own. “I'll call the doctor, okay?” He stands and turns to leave, the worry only a side effect of loving Dan at this point.

“We were still living downtown,” Dan says suddenly, and Phil nearly gains whiplash from turning his head so quickly.

“What?”

Dan doesn't look at his husband. He keeps his eyes trained on the wall ahead. “He had such chills, but he was so still...so cold...how could I ever forget-”

“Dan, don't. You think this will help but it won't-”

“That hospital room...screaming at doctors…”

Phil doesn't stop it now. “God, I was so upset.” He rejoins Dan at the table, catching the way the man briefly glances at something beside him.

“They said to wait. Didn't even tell us that we were too late...someone just came in and simply said ‘Your child is-’” The tears fall faster. The shaking turns more violent.

Phil's stoic act crumbles for the first time in years and in a matter of seconds, he's in tears as well. His arms return around his husband.

“...Why do you stay? Why not let me go and get on with your life? Enduring and coping and hurting and hoping for day after fucking day, for what?” Dan asks through tears, and this is the most lucid Phil has ever seen him since this all started.

“I made a promise to you. That day we said I Do, I promised I'd never let you suffer alone. You're handling this differently than others do, but I won't leave you for that. We both went through a lot. You don't deserve to be left because you're hurting.”

Dan looks at the boy, who's still trying to get Phil's attention. Maybe Dr. Madden was right. Maybe he really is just a delusion. But there's no harm in holding on to that delusion, right? Not in his mind. He got time with the kid and that was taken far too soon.

“Look at me,” he says, grabbing Phil's free hand tightly. Nothing. He scoffs. “You don't give a damn.”

“Not true,” Dan says quickly, the hurt clear in his eyes as he looks at his son.

Phil's demeanor changes, and he lets out a sigh as he stands yet again. “It is true, Dan. I'm not going to leave you just because of this. I love you.”

“This is one old game that I can play better than all of you. You can't leave me behind. I won't let go so easily.”

Dan ignores it. Phil doesn't hear it.

“I'll go call him. Tell him the medication isn't working... it's gonna be fine. You'll see.”

When Dan's alone- but not really alone- he sighs and looks down at the table, ready to sink back to void emotions.

**

His bags are packed a few weeks later. After years of treatment methods and medication after medication, pill bottle after fucking pill bottle, Dan can't handle it anymore. After spending so long trying to stay afloat, he wonder if sinking for once would be so bad.

He grabs his suitcase and walks from the bedroom to the lounge, finding Phil on his laptop in deep thought, presumably looking for more treatment centers, more ways to “fix” him.

“...So anyway, I'm leaving,” he says suddenly, watching his husband's head jerk up and his eyes go wide. “I thought you'd like to know.” That was almost laughable. How calm and nearly terrified Dan sounded. “It's clear I can't stay, Phil. We'll both go mad if I do. I'll face the hurt on my own. If you're always there to catch me when I fall I'll never know how it feels to hit the ground…I need to take a chance...or let chance take me. It's that or stay and die.”

Phil sets the laptop aside as Dan speaks, and the dread only comes in heavy layers of sentences. “Dan, you can't-”

“I'm going to stay with my parents for a while. Find out where to go from there...I still love you and though...you love me still, I know it's time for me to go...goodbye.” He walks over and kisses Phil one last time, and he's gone. Phil doesn't stop him. Doesn't put up a fight. He know it's useless. Once Dan gets something into his mind, there's no stopping him. That's a part of him Phil always loved.

This isn't it. This isn't the finality he wanted.

“I waited...helped you for so long...now you leave and act like I don't give a damn,” he says out loud into the empty room, and he wants to do something. Cry, scream, something. But he can't. He's so used to the neutral facade he plays that it's become his reality.

“I know you told him that I'm not worth a damn, but I know you know who I am.”

“...No,” Phil says quietly, shaking his head. He can't do this. Not now.

“Yes, you do,” he replies calmly, sitting on the coffee table in front of the man.

“Why didn't you go with him?”

“You know me. You refuse to accept it. Say it. If you don't grieve me, name me, you'll never leave me behind.”

Phil had tried pretending for so long that he couldn't see him. Couldn't hear the voice or see the kid that looked so much like him.

Their kid. Their son.

“Gabe...Gabriel.”

“...Hi, Dad.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is super messy, but should I find a way to fix it and turn it into further chapters? Let me know!
> 
> \- Polly


End file.
